Want to be more like this lady? Of course you do. Get your shit together.

11 Filthy Behaviors You Should Totally Quit

You’re disgusting, and everyone else on the Internet is perfect. Isn’t it time you shape up???

1. Social media. Pull your eyes away from that tiny little screen for A SECOND and take in the majesty of life that surrounds you! Look at that woman sitting across from you on the train. Just LOOK AT HER. She contain multitudes underneath her three scarves, right behind her vacant stare and mumbled diatribe about different types of bread. Why don’t you talk to her, for chrissakes? She’s a human being, and all you care about is getting another thumbs up on your pathetic Instaselfie. This woman has something to say about rye bread versus dinner rolls and you’re so consumed by your social media ADDICTION that you can’t even hear it. (Before you quit social media for good, though, please click the “heart” on this post and share it with all of your friends. And then BYE FOREVER.)
2. Drinking moderately. Maybe you’ve been too wrapped up in the insipid torrent of social media to notice, but the cool thing to do now is to spend a few solid years as a raging alcoholic and/or opiate abuser, experience a dramatic incident, go to an AA meeting, get a book contract, and then ascend to your rightful place in the universe as Smug Former Drinker. You have a few glasses of wine a week with dinner, you say? It was your coworker’s karaoke birthday party and there was no way to get through it stone cold sober, you say? Balderdash. Your job now is to walk around parties with a mocktail and proclaim how much better and more vibrant and productive you are without the devil’s poison coursing through your veins. Then when Sharon raises her glass of pinot and says, “Oh, that’s great for you! I could never give up my ‘mommy juice,’ ha ha,” you give Sharon a smirk and say, “But couldn’t you, Sharon?” and then saunter away, letting that truth bomb detonate while you go insinuate to Dave that the only way he can escape his father’s alcoholism is to abandon his weekly scotch on the rocks and follow you into a world of earnest righteousness and club soda with a splash of cran.
3. Neglecting self-care. What kind of asshole doesn’t participate in self-care? It’s irresponsible and sickening to not block off several hours of every day to indulge in a little “me-time.” You may be thinking, between my two jobs and my commute and making sure my children don’t die or my house doesn’t spontaneously set itself on fire, I simply don’t have time for self-care. You’re just being selfish. You can start by taking a bath. It doesn’t matter if you find showers more relaxing. You can’t Instagram a shower. (Be sure to Instagram your self-care moments before you quit social media, ok? See number 1.) Then light a candle that costs as much as a nice dinner out for two. The scent of the candle can be anything that transports you to an otherworldly experience that perfectly blends bliss, nostalgia, commitment to a better self, and mild hunger. So like, cinnamon.
4. Reading only dumb listicles on the Internet. You need to read a novel. Audiobooks do not count. E-books do not count. Library books do not count. The novel must be inspirational. The novel must be intersectional. The novel must be, at minimum, 260 pages long. The novel must be quotable. The novel must stir your goddamn soul. The novel may not feature vampires, BDSM, teenagers, pop culture references, government conspiracies, historical figures, crime, punishment, secret affairs, serial characters, or anything you find fun and entertaining.
5. Drinking too much caffeine. It’s decaf green tea or GTFO. Put your old-fashioned stovetop kettle on. You may not use an electric kettle or a microwave. Pour twice-filtered water into the kettle. Use the boiling time to meditate. Steep the organic loose-leaf tea in a handmade clay mug using a diffuser you bought on Etsy that has a cat’s tail etched into the handle and “Make the purrrrfect cup” scrawled on the base. Wrap both hands around the mug, bring it close to your face, breathe in, and say “Mmmmmmmmm” very loudly so that everyone knows you’re about to drink tea. Repeat every hour.
6. Rotting your brain with television. I mean, I guess if you have time to escape this harrowing world for a few thirty-minute increments at a time to inject a little humor and compassion and storytelling into your life, that must mean you also have time to volunteer to teach underprivileged children how to knit their own self-care hoodies, doesn’t it?
7. Sitting on your ass. When was the last time you seriously trained for a triathlon? That’s what I thought. Lazy dumb-dumbs like yourself can start slowly: Set aside 15 minutes in the morning for light stretching, 90 minutes to advance your yoga practice, 30 minutes to practice yoga, 20 minutes for a mid-morning pre-lunch walk, 45 minutes for a mid-afternoon vigorous jog, 75 minutes of interval training, 20 minutes of early-evening vigorous stretching, and 10 minutes of mindful weightlifting before bed.
8. Being an ungrateful bitch. If your social media posts (pre-quitting, of course) are not 78–85% filled with inspirational quotes, you are severely lacking in gratitude and an ability to find beauty and joy in the everyday mundanity of existence. What’s wrong with you?
9. Not having any money. The most successful people are very good with their money. They have quite a bit of it. They save it. They spend it, like, SO wisely. They invest it, even. Why don’t you try doing that? It would make you so much happier if you just had more money.
10. Not having any time. The most successful people are very good with their time. They have quite a bit of it. They save it. They spend it, like, SO wisely. They invest it, even. Why don’t you try doing that? It would make you so much happier if you just had more time.
11. Living an unrecorded life. We’ve already discussed the insidiousness of social media, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t meticulously record every aspect and biometric of your life, in the name of self-improvement, of course. Every day you should track your steps, heart rate, lung capacity, sleep patterns, words-per-minute typing ability, the menstrual cycle of every female who lives or works within a mile radius, your hopes and dreams, your grocery store spending, your 401K progress, how long Jane’s “quick” smoke breaks actually take, and the minutes you waste staring off into space trying to stave off the dread and existential despair.

If you give up all of these destructive and terrible behaviors, maybe you’ll finally become the cool and fulfilled person you were meant to be. If you can’t, you’re probably hopeless. Go look at some cat memes and enjoy your sad existence.